I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
