you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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