my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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