Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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