I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
