I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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