The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
