I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
