awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize