We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
