I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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