I have demons in me.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I lost the right to judge tonight
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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