I can tuck mytits in my pants
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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