On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
