Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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