I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
