the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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