advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Randomize
