my phone needs a breathalizer
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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