did you get engaged???
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
