two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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