I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Green mimosas i think yes
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
