next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
