i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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