I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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