How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
