if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
