The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
