saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
