Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
