shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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