Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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