DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
