he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize