Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
