I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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