I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Randomize
