Fine. I'll sleep in my office
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
