I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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