Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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