his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
