i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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