tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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