i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
