I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
