I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
