i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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