She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
