hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
