i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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