Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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