Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
ugly people sure do ruin things
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
