at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
