I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
