She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
