so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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