I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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