Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
