finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
