it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize