I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I think a kid would responsible me up
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
