Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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