My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
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