I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
