Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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